Afghan landlord holds a party in our shared garden. After thorough preparations nokar (servant) sets two tables: one for women and the other for men. We can hear a dignified talking through our living room window and there is endless cheerful laugh coming from our bedroom window. Even if it is a modern Afghan family, men and women are separated.There is one favorite question, often asked: do you really believe that one can find happy women in Afghanistan? Of course I do. From my point of
view, local traditions are so different from west, but it does not mean that all women are automatically miserable. Feminists like to tell sad stories about western ladies who had married to Muslims and moved to Muslim countries. I read some of those books in Estonia and unavoidably the question emerged: where is a story about normal marriage? There is one basic problem with those biographies: they are written by persons who were not prepared to live in Muslim environment. It is a different culture, which has strict customs and ancient traditions. It is naive to believe that family will change because of a foreigner.The biggest difference – in my mind – is the fact that most of the time he or she is with people of the same sex. In western world it is common that we spend most of the (spare) time with our spouses. But here, in Afghanistan, the wife spends her time with her husband’s mother, sisters, aunts and other female relatives. It can be quite difficult, even unimaginable for a lady grown up in west.
The second biggest difference is living in an expanded family. I know of only one family in Afghanistan who lives in their own: my friend Waheed lives with his wife and a little daughter. Uncharacteristically he took care of his little daughter while her wife was at a conference in Iran. Generally speaking, different generations live together. I met on high official in Kunduz who has 22 children, all of them born to one wife. He complained that he
cannot even remember his children names, but there are daughter-in laws and grandchildren living in his house as well…Old people enjoy the advantages of expanded families. The oldest male – head of household – decides all-important questions. Also he manages family budget. For example, if a married young son works, then he gives his salary to his father. Father decides how much the son will receive for his needs and how much will go to others. The grandmothers I have met in Afghanistan were very dignified. Their experience is valued; younger family members serve them with respect and their orders are followed quickly. If I compare the old generation here to our grandmothers in Estonia, then I see that Afghans get much more love and support because there are always younger generations around them.
